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Inwood to Rockaway

by Cal Churchill

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1.
i think i'm awake but i can't be sure 01:12
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2.
Tacoma (Bourbon and Soda) 05:13
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3.
Processing 03:23
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4.
Further Away 04:46
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5.
Nothing Comes To Me 03:34
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6.
Donn Rents A Room 05:13
lyrics
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He doesn’t speak a word to me Just sits in the corner biding his time I know someday he won’t be silent And I dread the moment that comes I try not to look him in the eye So I catch glances when he looks away But once in a while our gaze meets I try to act like it didn’t happen He’s smaller than I thought he’d be He takes up so much space in my head Sometimes I think that he’s left But he always comes back again I don’t know his name, I don’t want to know I don’t even know where he’s from I think I might know why he’s here And once again I pray that I’m wrong I asked her what his voice sounds like Or if she remembered anything he said She said at first he just started to scream But in time it quieted down to a groan Sometimes he speaks eloquently she said But most of the time it’s just wordless She wished I didn’t have to meet him But his time comes for everybody
7.
see-through soul 04:15
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8.
Inwood to Rockaway 04:48
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9.
Delusional or Just Tired? 04:02
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10.
Awfully Anxious for Such a Summery Melody 05:02
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11.
Dust To Dust 03:48
lyrics
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Looking over the skyline As I glide through the turnstile Watch the sunset fade away Into a nightfall There’s a feeling inside me I can’t quite name it But I’m glad that it’s here now It was gone for too long Dust to dust Ashes in the sky Dust to dust All I ever was As I sat on the sofa I couldn’t wait till you came home Thoughts of you just danced around Until they made me smile Then you walked in the kitchen I threw my arms right around you Because we don’t have forever I want to make the most of it Dust to dust Ashes in the sky Dust to dust All I ever was

about

This was a tough one.

I'd originally decided, at the start of quarantine, inspired by "lockdown records" by Charli XCX and especially the Mountain Goats, to write an album during lockdown. And I did! Over the course of a week or two, I recorded a lofi folky album on my phone's built in microphone, wanting to record a short story in every song. It was done, I had art, I had a title, I was ready to release it!

Then things became different.

My mother's cancer had progressed, and she made the decision to stop treatment, as it would no longer benefit her.

I was, truth be told, a bit of a mess. To help with my feelings of uncertainty and anxiety, I would record little instrumental pieces to take my mind off of things. I started writing these long, raw, rambling poems I thought I could maybe wrangle into a song later. I was just creating to get these feelings out that I didn't know what to call or how to deal with. I was also able to visit my mother a few more times and get some sense of closure and say goodbye for the last time.

Later in the summer, my mother passed away.

I went to Massachusetts, and I stayed with my dad and my brother that week. We shared stories, went blueberry picking, cooked together, visited family, and made sure we knew that none of us felt alone.

When I returned to New York, I opened my laptop and began to dig through the half finished songs and mountains of lyrics I'd accumulated over the past few months. I began to put them together, trying to figure out what was worth keeping, what should be scrapped, and what could be salvaged. Over the course of the next few months, I was able to put together about 14 songs, 10 of which I decided to release.

As I looked at these finished songs, I felt like it was missing something. It was largely about loss, anxiety, and the feeling I can't quite name that isn't quite grief or sadness, but is something more abstract. But there was something missing.

Through the whole process, my partner Mars had been there for me, showing me love in so many ways, making sure that I was cared for, safe, and loved. They made this process so much easier, and I really don't know what I would have done without them. And I needed to show that in this record, because whenever there is sadness and loss, there is also love.

I thought of the moment I came back from Massachusetts, exiting the turnstile at Marcy Avenue, with my heavy bags and heavy spirit, and finally making it home. When Mars and I were reunited, they wordlessly walked over to me, and gave me a hug. In that moment, I knew I was loved, I was going to be ok, and that I would always have someone to share my life with even when dealing with the hardest things in life.

I wanted to capture that feeling in a song. So, I sat down, and I wrote. What I wrote was called "Dust To Dust." And I knew it had to close the album.

Thanks for listening, and thank you for reading through this whole thing! I hope you enjoy this album.


Dedicated to Mars Ballantyne and Jacqueline Churchill (1958-2020)

credits

released December 18, 2020

Cal Churchill - Music, lyrics, programming, production, additional mixing
Leucine - Mixing

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Cal Churchill Brooklyn, New York

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